Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down

The book is available on Amazon – check it out here: Don't Let the Bastards Grind You Down: 50 Things Every Alcoholic & Addict in Early Recovery Should Know - By Georgia W.

Drawing on my own experience and that of others in recovery, this book highlights fifty things that all of us should know once we’ve decided to treat our addiction. Some of the topics included are:

The First 30 Days – What to expect and how to get through it.
Things to Avoid – Protecting your recovery and coping with stress.
Dry Drunk – How not to be one.
Relapse –Developing a prevention plan and what to do if it happens.
Spouses & Partners – How to include them and rebuild relationships.
Children – It’s never too late to be a good parent or role model.
Dating in Early Recovery – The not so good, the bad and the ugly.
Twelve Step Programs – How they work and what you should know.
Isolating – Why we do it and why we shouldn’t.
Substituting and Fixing – Things we substitute for our addiction.

Believe it or not, it doesn’t matter how you got to this point in your life – the most important part is that you did. Too many alcoholics and addicts die from this disease before they get a chance to recover. Just remember that you don’t have to do it alone. There are people who want to help, those who have been to the bottom and back and are now living a life without drugs and alcohol. All you need to have is the willingness to follow some simple suggestions that have worked for many others and can work for you too.

 

7.25.11 – 5 Years Sober Today

I’m very grateful to be sober today. It brings home to me how lucky I am when I see or hear about the people who die from this disease. It’s such a sad waste of life, especially for those of us who know that it is possible to get sober, no matter how hopeless it seems and low you go.

Obviously we are going to hear about people who are in the spotlight who die from this disease, such as Amy Winehouse. It is a sad waste of a life whenever anybody dies the way she did, whether they are found dead in a home that’s worth millions of dollars or dead in a gutter – the end result is still the same. Ms. Winehouse’s  addiction to alcohol and drugs have ultimately caused her death and yet people are leaving booze bottles at her house as a weird acknowledgement to who she was, yet the booze helped kill her! It’s a sad indication of how this disease is not taken seriously, if she had shot herself, would people be leaving guns on her shrine as an acknowledgement? Probably not, yet she drinks herself to death and people leave booze?

Alcohol kills, it does not discriminate, it kills famous people and it kills us ‘regular people.’ It needs to be taken seriously.

 

Straight Up Alcoholics to Straight A Students

I happened to be in the college Math Lab the other day (not to be confused with Meth Lab) when I felt a  tap on my shoulder, I looked around and saw an old friend who I hadn’t seen in a couple of years. I know him from AA and it turns out that he’s back at school too and plugging away at his degree. As we were chatting I happened to glance down the hallway and noticed another familiar face walking towards us…enter a another friend from the rooms of AA.

We talked for about ten minutes, catching up and discussing what each of us are studying and what we hope to do with our lives once we get a degree. It was an odd feeling and the irony of our meeting seemed to dawn on us all at the same time because we all shut up, looked at each other and said, “Fuck, this is weird!

Why was it weird? Well just over four years ago I had somehow managed to get 6 months sober and I was convinced the lady standing opposite me now was going to die. She was out of control, living on the streets, drinking and smoking crack, weighing in at 95 pounds. Yet, here she was now, clean and sober for over four years, looking healthy, back in school after 30 years away from it and talking animatedly about her goals, studying and working a regular job.

Given how destructive and all-consuming this disease is, it never ceases to amaze me when anyone gets clean and more so how our lives can change because of it. We recovering addicts are definitely a resilient lot and when we channel our efforts in a new positive direction we are a force to be reckoned with. It’s hard for me to comprehend where I was 5 years ago and where my friends in the Math lab were too. As we stood there talking, we joked that if we could put as much effort into our studying as we did with our using we would be okay.

Well, it seems that the three of us must be doing that because these once hopeless alcoholics are now happy straight A students…and we are all over 40 years old. Sobriety has taught me so many things but especially that it is never too late to change and it’s definitely never too late to learn.

 

Out With The Old and In With The New

When I was still drinking alcohol and January rolled around, I’d get really depressed.  The holidays being over meant that people were going back to their normal lives, no more parties, no more days off, no more excuses to drink all day. Not that I needed an excuse to drink, but the fact that other people were letting loose over the Holidays was a great way for me to be ‘inebriated incognito’.

Though flying under the radar didn’t last long, soon people noticed that while they might have a few drinks at the office party or with the Holiday dinner, I often looked like a possessed baby calf, with bloodshot eyes and legs splayed awkwardly in opposite directions trying to find a foot hold. I’d spend the time stumbling around spouting funny one liners (or so I thought) only to be told the next day that I really should call so-and-so to apologize.

The truth is I know I’ve managed to ruin quite a few Holiday get-togethers.  Sometimes, not even making it to the party at all, deciding instead to have a drink while getting ready. Somewhere along the line, the bottle would end up in the bathroom with me and I’d pass out on the floor with my husband banging on the door.  Although being a no-show was often better than ruining the entire evening for people which is what happened one New Years. After renting a condo in the mountains and having friends drive all the way up from Denver to bring in the New Year, I managed to piss off  my closest friends to a point where they turned around and drove all the way back to Denver that same night. Of course, my response was what the hell was their problem?

In fact, the first time a friend actually said to me that they thought I had a drinking problem was after that New Year’s Eve. This was the first time someone had said this – to my face anyway – and I acted as though I was mortally wounded.  How dare she say such a thing? What a bitch she was! I’d have to get her out of my life, I certainly didn’t need that kind of negativity. So I avoided her and coincidentally people started avoiding me.  As my alcoholism progressed, it wasn’t long before I didn’t get invited out anymore, or I had no inclination to go out anyway. The husband left, the friends stopped calling and at the time that was just fine with me, they all got in the way of drinking anyway.

Unfortunately, it would be many more wasted years before I was able to admit to myself that I did have a drinking problem and I wanted to stop. And if you find yourself in a place where you want to stop drinking, this is as good a time as any to get sober. Sure, people who over indulged during the Holidays will make it their New Year resolution to cut down and if they are normal drinkers they will succeed. But if you are like me, and have tried every trick in the book to control your drinking, there is no going back.

And if you can’t go back, don’t stay stuck – try going forward. A good way to do that is to find a recovery meeting and get your ass there. And if you have ideas surrounding A.A. like I did, such as it’s full of fucked up people, who are full of fucked up ideas, it might help to keep in mind the New Year saying, “Out With The Old and In With The New’ – it just might change your life. Happy New Year.

 

Taking the First Step…to Community College

For the last year or so I’ve been going back and forth about what I want to do with my future. I wanted to become a Certified Addiction Counselor, but I didn’t know if I had it in me to go back to school after 25 years, plus looking at the degree programs and what was involved seemed so overwhelming.

I went to school in England, where it was customary to leave at 16 years old. Optional 2 year college to study for ‘A’ levels came next. Once a student had their A levels if they wanted to go to University they could apply based on their results. I didn’t have a lot of drive when it came to studying and I didn’t have anyone at home pushing me to study or go to college. In fact, my parents never bothered to look at my report card, never attended parent evenings, and never asked me whether I should be doing homework or not. Taking full advantage of  the ‘Tormented Teenager’ moniker, I decided if my parents didn’t give a shit about my education, why should I?

I left school at 16 and got a job in an office as a receptionist, since then I have worked in many different Administrative support roles such as Executive Assistant and Office Manager and most recently as an assistant to a Psychiatrist. The last year I have found myself wanting more, so I started looking at colleges and courses and what I needed to do to become an Addiction Counselor.

I thought I’d just apply to a college and off I’d go and start studying for my degree. Not so, I had to provide a school transcript from a school that says they no longer have my records. The other option was to get my exam results from the examination board that I took them with but after researching online I was told it could take months and after speaking to admissions in the college I wanted to attend, I knew that what I had wasn’t going to be enough anyway.

The lady in admissions told me that I could try Community College as they had open enrollment and I could do some of the classes needed for my degree there. When I had earned 30 credits at Community College I could transfer over to the degree program. Great! where do I sign up? Turns out I needed to do a Basic Skill Test to see where I’d be starting from academically. After I took the test I was told that I was up to college level in English and Reading but my Math needed work and I’d need to complete a remedial Math class. At first I was disappointed, but when I thought about it, I haven’t done Algebra in 25 years and it might not be a bad idea to study it now that I actually want to study. After all the testing was completed and I spoke with an Advisor, I enrolled in Math as well as 3 other subjects that are guaranteed transferable to my degree program.

When I first started this process, I had no idea what was involved in going back to school. I wanted to be able to do this my way, and quickly. I figured I’d just sign up for the course I wanted and hey presto I’d be on my way to being a Counselor! For me, this process has a lot of similarities with getting sober; I wanted to get sober but wanted to do it my way, the easier softer way with the least work involved on my part. I remember complaining to my Sponsor that I should be doing my 9th Step because all my friends were doing theirs (I hadn’t even finished my 4th Step). She patiently told me that I needed to trust that my Higher Power had me  right where I needed to be and if I stayed the course and did the work in front of me now, that I would to reap the rewards later.

I’m not trying to cut corners anymore and I know now that Community College is right where I need to be and remedial Math is exactly what I need to be doing now if I am ever going to be the Counselor that I hope to be later.

 

Fear of Change

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

As a practicing alcoholic for many years, I had no desire to try to better myself in any way, physically, mentally or spiritually. It was all about getting my next drink – my life revolved around booze, and anything else be it work, friendships or my health were an inconvenience. I also frowned upon anyone else who might be trying to better themselves, people who went to the gym, people who studied hard, people who said they lived a spiritual life, people who were sober, people in general – the list went on ad nauseum. I know now that I was jealous of anyone who had their lives together and I dealt with that by putting them down. Even while I was looking up from the gutter, my alcoholic mind still told me I was better than the people standing on the sidewalk.

Thankfully I’m in recovery and my narrow-minded, self centered view of the world has shifted. I can appreciate other people’s efforts in bettering themselves and I’m striving to evolve from a bitter angry drunk to a decent member of society.

This process of change is a lot harder than I thought and is usually accompanied by fear. Even after overcoming the fear involved in living sober I still feel uncomfortable when there is a change in my life – even if I have instigated it. So, after four years in recovery I’ve decided it’s time to go back to school at age 42. I’m back in England to take some classes and after living in America for the past 20 years, I feel a bit out of my comfort zone.

Prior to the first class, I was overcome with fears, people won’t like me, I’ll look stupid, what the hell am I thinking? My ego has rebuilt itself and obviously still thinking that it’s all about me and that people will think I’m worthy of developing an opinion about right off the bat.

My sister dropped me off and joked about my first day at school and even though I’m a few decades past Kindergarten, I felt as though I was that little girl from long ago and all that was missing were my pigtails and a fit of tears after realizing that my mother wasn’t staying but I was. My sister actually ended up walking me right up to the classroom door (co-dependency in action!).

The truth is no one batted an eyelid when I walked into class, but as usual, I thought that it was all about me and I would be singled out. Not so. I have to remember that in the grand scheme of things, the world doesn’t revolve around me and it’s natural to have some anxiety about meeting new people and embarking on a new venture. It turns out that my fellow classmates also had fears as I quickly found out when we began one of the first exercises – expressing any fears we had prior to being there.

During the break – the very break I had dreaded as I just ‘knew’ I’d be sitting alone with no one to play with (I mean sit with) I ended up being one of a group of people who were friendly and open and all a bit nervous just like me and I was reminded of my first AA meeting. We were all in the same boat.

I enjoyed my first class, I’ve even got homework that I plan on completing (miracles never cease) – and I think I might be able to make it next week without my sister holding my hand – or maybe not.

 

Dumb and Dumber

It seems as though ingesting booze the old fashioned way – through the mouth – is just a tad too boring  for the new generation of party animal – if you want to get it done properly – pouring vodka it into your eye or ‘eyeballing’ is the way to go.

Call me boring, but WTF? When I hear about stuff like this, I always wonder about the first person to ever try it and what was going through their head at the time, was it something like, “Hey! I just had a really good idea! Instead of swallowing the shot like you bunch of pussies, I’m going to pour it into my eyeball! I’m going to do it now, here we go…….Owwwwwwww!”

When I first read about this I was shocked that someone would ever attempt something so obviously dumb and dangerous but the truth is I realize that I could have easily been an eyeballer had this stunt been doing the rounds when I was out there because I was both an idiot and an alcoholic – not exactly a recipe for making great decisions – and once I started partying pretty much anything was on the cards.

So what does this attention grabbing stunt have to do with being an alcoholic? While not everyone who partakes in this idiotic craze is going to end up an alcoholic, some of the early signs of alcoholism are blackouts and drinking alcohol in dangerous situations such as driving drunk. Ingesting alcohol through your eyeball sounds pretty dangerous to me – if a person has got to a place while under the influence where they think this is a good idea then they are either a complete idiot, or are on the path to being a substance abuser or both.

And whether or not it’s true that this is a fad and a case of teens behaving recklessly, I’m saving a few seats in the rooms for the eyeballer – because that’s some alcoholic shit right there.

 

Happy Father’s Day

Thanks to Chaz @http://yuppieaddict.wordpress.com for sharing this:

Father’s Day approacheth in 2 days and I too am now grateful that I have this special day with my kids where once I didnt. I too had restrictions on my access to my kids. I went from super-Dad to supervised-Dad in a matter of a few months once I hooked up with my drug and alcohol habits.

My sobriety and recovery are so key to all of my relationships. Most relationships would not exist if my sobriety and recovery did not.

A magic day happend for me at about 3 years sober. My early-teen daughter called and asked if we could go out. It was a little late, but she persisted in saying she really wanted to seee me. She beat around the bush for an hour or more the finally in the car on the drive home, she hit me with it. She asked me a question about something she was struggling with that she felt the only person she could as was her Dad.

She feared her Mom would not understand, even though she is primarily resident with Mom and Mom is by and large a good Mom. But Dad is Dad. And daughter saw Dad go through hell and come out the other side and thrive. So who better to ask that Dad?

3 years earlier, my ex had restrictions on my access. Now Dad was the go-to guy. I have my recovery and God to thank for that. I too am blessed. Beyond words. And on Sunday, Fathers Day, my kids and I are planning our annual golf game. Imagine, Dad the ex-doper, ex-drinker, ex-rager, ex-depressed and in the psych ward is taking 3 teens for our annual fathers day golf.

What a blessing.

Ciao.

Chaz

 

Make it a Sober Mother’s Day

For the first four years of my son’s life I tried unsuccessfully to stay sober.  I spent my first Mother’s Day alone – after I had decided I could have ‘just one drink’ the day before Mother’s Day – and I spent my son’s first  birthday in an alcohol treatment center.  Not long after and not surprisingly, his father filed for divorce and was given full custody. I was awarded visitations, but they were contingent on my staying away from alcohol.

After the divorce, I could only manage a few months sober at a time. A pattern emerged in which I’d see him regularly for a few months, relapse, and then only be in his life sporadically until I could piece my life back together. It wasn’t until he was four years old that I finally made it through my first continuous year of recovery.

At the time, he obviously didn’t understand why he lived with his dad and only stayed with me on weekends. He was confused and acted out, misbehaving and defying me at every possible turn. I realize now that he was testing to see how far he could push me before I’d take off again. Until I got serious about my recovery, my son had been on an emotional rollercoaster set in motion by my behavior for all of his young life. He needed reassurance that I’d be around for him, not just physically, but emotionally. The only way that I could regain his trust and prove to him that I wasn’t going anywhere was to show him.

That meant providing stability and consistency. When I said I was going to do something, I made sure that I did it. If I said I’d call him on the phone, Ialways called. And if I promised to pick him up at 6:00, I showed up at 5:59. It didn’t matter if my ass was falling off—I kept my word. There are no shortcuts to rebuilding trust, but honesty, reliability, and stability do work. I know because I did it. It wasn’t easy, but I’m grateful every day for my son, who now shares his time equally between his father and me.

Sobriety brings so many gifts that in the beginning of my recovery journey, I thought impossible. One of those gifts is in the way that I spend Mother’s Day today. And if you are a Mother (or Father) who is struggling with addiction, just know that if you can stay clean and sober TODAY, you too can have the gift of a relationship with your child.

It doesn’t matter what age our children are when we get sober – obviously the sooner the better – but whether they’re three, thirteen, or thirty, our recovery can be the cornerstone of a new relationship with them.  Being sober on Mother’s Day is a great way to start.

 

It’s Never Too Late!

I received an email yesterday from a lady who is just starting to live sober. She has 30 days in recovery under her belt and is understandably nervous, apprehensive and scared.  She mentioned that she thought she may have left it too late in life to get sober. At 47 she feels as though she has wasted so much of her life, drinking away many years, before she finally admitted that she had a problem.

I remember thinking the same thing too and many of my friends did. I was 36 when I first got sober and now I’m 41, I have friends who were 26, 45, 54 and 60 when they sobered up.  It really doesn’t matter what age we are when we get sober, there will always be some excuse not to. It’s the nature of our disease, the part of our addiction that is centered in our minds, the part that tells us we are useless and worthless.

Feeling like this is far from unusual and unfortunately this thinking keeps many of us ‘out there’ drinking and using. Our disease is telling us, “What’s the point in getting sober, you’re ____  years old (fill in the blank), it’s too late, you’ve wasted your life up until now anyway, what can you possibly do?”

I’ll never forget this one AA meeting I went to early in sobriety. An older man was sharing, he started by saying he was 75 years old (I immediately assumed that he must have twenty or thirty years sober because of his seniority).  I was very surprised to hear that he had just celebrated his first year of sobriety. I was even more surprised when he said the last year had been the happiest year of his life. He had reconnected with his children, his grandchildren and he had found a new happiness that he never thought existed for someone like him. When I heard his story, I was inspired and thought “Wow, that’s f**king awesome – there is hope for me!”

Yesterday, when I read the email from the 47 year old, it made me think of that 75 year old man again and I decided to look up some achievements made by people later in life and here are a few of what I found:

• At age 39 – Bill Wilson or Bill W., the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) got sober

• At age 40 – John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth

• At age 43 – Marie Curie won her second Nobel prize

• At age 45 – George Foreman recaptured the heavyweight championship with a 10th round knockout, becoming the oldest person ever to win the heavyweight championship.

• At age 47 – Edward Jenner, an English doctor, pioneered the use of vaccination against smallpox.

• At age 49 – Julia Child published her book, Mastering the Art of French Cooking

• At age 53 – Ludwig van Beethoven completed his Ninth Symphony despite being so deaf that, at the end of its first performance, he could not hear whether the audience was applauding.

• At age 59 – Clara Barton founded the American Red Cross.

• At age 62 – J.R.R. Tolkien published the first volume of his fantasy series, Lord of the Rings

Reading about these people inspired me all over again, it’s never too late to change our lives and to get clean and sober, and while most of us won’t be orbiting the earth or winning a Nobel Prize; we get to live a life that we never thought imaginable – a sober one.  We get to experience life and the things that come with it, all the cliches – the good and the bad, the laughter and the tears, the success and the failures.

We all have something to offer and we all deserve a second chance, whether that chance comes at 27, 47 or 77 – don’t let your DISEASE talk you out of it.