Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down

The book is available on Amazon – check it out here: Don't Let the Bastards Grind You Down: 50 Things Every Alcoholic & Addict in Early Recovery Should Know - By Georgia W.

Drawing on my own experience and that of others in recovery, this book highlights fifty things that all of us should know once we’ve decided to treat our addiction. Some of the topics included are:

The First 30 Days – What to expect and how to get through it.
Things to Avoid – Protecting your recovery and coping with stress.
Dry Drunk – How not to be one.
Relapse –Developing a prevention plan and what to do if it happens.
Spouses & Partners – How to include them and rebuild relationships.
Children – It’s never too late to be a good parent or role model.
Dating in Early Recovery – The not so good, the bad and the ugly.
Twelve Step Programs – How they work and what you should know.
Isolating – Why we do it and why we shouldn’t.
Substituting and Fixing – Things we substitute for our addiction.

Believe it or not, it doesn’t matter how you got to this point in your life – the most important part is that you did. Too many alcoholics and addicts die from this disease before they get a chance to recover. Just remember that you don’t have to do it alone. There are people who want to help, those who have been to the bottom and back and are now living a life without drugs and alcohol. All you need to have is the willingness to follow some simple suggestions that have worked for many others and can work for you too.

WTF?

Having spent the last few weeks in the company of teenagers, I’m more convinced than ever that the act of having a real (non abbreviated conversation) is going to be a thing of the past. In fact, I have no idea what they are saying most of the time because not only do their fingers communicate in shorthand but now their mouths seem to have followed suit.

It’s a whole different lingo and it makes me feel as though the English language as we know is disintegrating in favor of the quicker, easier, lazier way.  One teenager I spent time with had her phone with her 24 hours – it had become an extension of her hand. If she was doing her homework, the phone was in the hand that didn’t hold her pen; she sat with it while we watched DVD’s, constantly tapping away in the background. It was next to her while she ate meals and she slept with it at night, the only clue that she was no longer texting came via a loud crash from her bedroom – it was explained the following morning that the crash was her phone dropping out of her hand and landing on the hardwood floor after she had fallen asleep.

The normal moods and rants of the average teenager seemed to be perpetuated by the jingle of his or her phone and the subsequent electronic epiphany. There was laughter and cursing, tears and frustration. I wasn’t sure how much of these reactions were down to teenage angst or the misinterpretation of an emotionless text. A few letters that are zapped between teenagers seem to have the ability to insight feuds that I can only recollect happening to me on a face to face basis in the school playground. Only when I saw that persons face or heard their voice could I see if they were joking, angry or about to beat my head in.

The teenagers I met didn’t seem to want face to face time or actual conversations with their peers. In fact, it seemed like an inconvenience when I suggested they call the offending person and clarify what exactly the issue was. It was exhausting just to watch as they went from their cell phone to the internet, bearing their souls and innermost feelings on Facebook with 400 of their closest friends – each of whom, incidentally, got to put their two cents in and fuel the shit storm further.

So what does this rant about teenagers and texting have to do with recovery? In the past I have communicated with my peers via text, and for the most part, it worked out okay – especially if I was sociable and in good spirits. The problem came when I wasn’t and I wanted to isolate. That was when texting became my disease’s best friend;  no one had to see my face or hear the depression in my voice – all I had to do was zap a quick note that all was great, followed by a smiley face, or if I really wanted to seal the deal and convince the recipient of my well-being, I would throw in a recovery slogan like, “I couldn’t be better, I’m letting go and letting God!” When the truth was, the only thing I was letting go was my ability to be honest – as I sat on the couch crying, munching chocolate and pretending to be fine.  As a recovering alcoholic, I needed to be accountable and rigorously honest. I found that I couldn’t do that if I was able to hide behind a keypad instead of making a phone call. Because instead of verbally saying “I need help,” I’d find myself texting “ I can’t make the meeting tonight – don’t worry about me though, I’m doing great ”.

For now, it seems teenagers, texting, and all the drama are bound to go hand in hand. But in recovery we are learning to live in the real world and decrease the drama. This means having open conversations, face to face meetings, and other personal interactions with people who can see through the smiley face bullshit and figure out what is really going on. The best thing I did in early recovery was pick up the phone and talk to my sponsor on a daily basis. It was her suggestion, not mine.  At the time I hated the idea of speaking to her every day, but it just so happened that I hated the idea of drinking again just a little bit more, and so I did what she suggested

Out With The Old and In With The New

When I was still drinking alcohol and January rolled around, I’d get really depressed.  The holidays being over meant that people were going back to their normal lives, no more parties, no more days off, no more excuses to drink all day. Not that I needed an excuse to drink, but the fact that other people were letting loose over the Holidays was a great way for me to be ‘inebriated incognito’.

Though flying under the radar didn’t last long, soon people noticed that while they might have a few drinks at the office party or with the Holiday dinner, I often looked like a possessed baby calf, with bloodshot eyes and legs splayed awkwardly in opposite directions trying to find a foot hold. I’d spend the time stumbling around spouting funny one liners (or so I thought) only to be told the next day that I really should call so-and-so to apologize.

The truth is I know I’ve managed to ruin quite a few Holiday get-togethers.  Sometimes, not even making it to the party at all, deciding instead to have a drink while getting ready. Somewhere along the line, the bottle would end up in the bathroom with me and I’d pass out on the floor with my husband banging on the door.  Although being a no-show was often better than ruining the entire evening for people which is what happened one New Years. After renting a condo in the mountains and having friends drive all the way up from Denver to bring in the New Year, I managed to piss off  my closest friends to a point where they turned around and drove all the way back to Denver that same night. Of course, my response was what the hell was their problem?

In fact, the first time a friend actually said to me that they thought I had a drinking problem was after that New Year’s Eve. This was the first time someone had said this – to my face anyway – and I acted as though I was mortally wounded.  How dare she say such a thing? What a bitch she was! I’d have to get her out of my life, I certainly didn’t need that kind of negativity. So I avoided her and coincidentally people started avoiding me.  As my alcoholism progressed, it wasn’t long before I didn’t get invited out anymore, or I had no inclination to go out anyway. The husband left, the friends stopped calling and at the time that was just fine with me, they all got in the way of drinking anyway.

Unfortunately, it would be many more wasted years before I was able to admit to myself that I did have a drinking problem and I wanted to stop. And if you find yourself in a place where you want to stop drinking, this is as good a time as any to get sober. Sure, people who over indulged during the Holidays will make it their New Year resolution to cut down and if they are normal drinkers they will succeed. But if you are like me, and have tried every trick in the book to control your drinking, there is no going back.

And if you can’t go back, don’t stay stuck – try going forward. A good way to do that is to find a recovery meeting and get your ass there. And if you have ideas surrounding A.A. like I did, such as it’s full of fucked up people, who are full of fucked up ideas, it might help to keep in mind the New Year saying, “Out With The Old and In With The New’ – it just might change your life. Happy New Year.

‘Tis the Season

It’s that time of year again and whether it’s your first Holiday Season in recovery or you are in need of some tips for the family to get through the holidays sober, check out this great post from Hazelden’s Recovery Resource Blog.

In addition, Alcoholism About.com has a bunch of articles on getting through the Holidays.

More tips on enjoying the Season here.

If you come across a good post for the Holidays season, please leave a comment with the link – we need all the help we can get!

Addicted to Drama

It turns out that alcohol isn’t the only thing I’m addicted to – unfortunately drama comes in a close second. Of course, back when I was ‘in’ my disease, I didn’t know this, but as I got more time in recovery, I found out that the drama I created around my drinking was just as much a part of the package as the booze itself. As I got sober and the hangovers disappeared, so did the drama and weird as it was, I found myself missing it. I didn’t actually sit down and say, “Shit, you know what? I really miss the drama”, the feeling would be more subtle and one of the most common ways it would manifest, was when I felt bored.

I thought I was bored because I wasn’t having the ‘fun’ I had when I was drinking. Although I conveniently forgot that the good time I was missing was not a night out bar hopping with a group of friends -no my ‘fun’ consisted of me alone in my apartment with a pint of cheap vodka and a pack of smokes. Yet, my disease told me that I was bored because I missed the excitement/peacefulness/frenzy (you name it) that the drinking brought on, but when I think about it, the actual drinking part left me feeling empty and dead inside, what I was ‘missing’ was the thrill of the chase and the drama of the clean up.

When I was actively drinking, I was always trying to fix some situation I found myself in or lie, cheat and manipulate my way back into people’s good graces, whether it was my husband, my family or my employer. Now that the drink was gone, I didn’t have to do these things and I was at a loss. Things were actually going smoothly; I had a good job that I was never late to, sober friends and a great relationship with my son. Yet I found myself feeling ‘bored’. When I talked this through with my sponsor, that’s when she helped me see the connection between my addiction to alcohol and the drama that came with it. I came to understand that I wasn’t used to feeling at ease and calm – if there wasn’t a landlord to avoid or a lie to be told, I felt out of sorts.

If you find yourself feeling this way, just remember that as well as the withdrawal from our drug of choice, we are experiencing withdrawal from the only life we have known – whether it was a fucked up life or not – we are grieving the loss of it. Recognize that you will feel this way, we all do in the beginning, but it will pass and we can get on with our lives – without the drama (well, maybe just a teensy bit of drama, it is the Holiday Season after all).

Sneaky Monkey

I met with a friend of mine yesterday for coffee, we were ‘litter mates’ four years ago and our friendship has continued. During the last four years he has stayed sober the whole time, while I on the other hand drank after one year of sobriety and had to start over.

We were talking about how insidious our disease is and how easy the the ‘monkey’ can climb back on without our realizing it. He mentioned a woman in his home group who just celebrated one year clean and sober and she was sharing her story. Prior to her new anniversary, she’d been sober for 2 1/2 years but relapsed. She wasn’t feeling particularly anxious or down and wasn’t thinking about using when she found herself in her bathroom rinsing her mouth out with Listerine mouthwash (for those of you who don’t know, there is a lot of alcohol in mouthwash). Suddenly out of nowhere she decided that instead of spitting out the mouthwash, she’d swallow it – of course, she went on to polish off the whole bottle.

Two and a half years of sobriety gone, in a split second. She went on to say that she couldn’t explain why she did it and that she hadn’t realized she was in trouble.

Unfortunately this story is far from unusual, but there are some tell-tale signs to watch out for:

• Lack of interest in your recovery program; making excuses to miss the meeting or skip an appointment with your sponsor.
• Daydreaming of how it used to be when we could drink or use (it’s normal to think about this once in a while, but not constantly).
• Stop working on the steps, – keep working the step you are on, whether you are on the 4th step or the 12 step. Our recovery needs daily maintenance.
• Feeling over confident – 6 months or a year of sobriety is definitely something to be proud of but it’s extremely important that we do not rest on our laurels, which basically means: thinking that we know all there is to know about staying clean and sober and no further effort is needed. This is a very dangerous place to be, many people relapse after periods of sobriety because they’ve stopped taking their disease seriously and stopped working on their recovery.

Our disease is always working to get us back out there, so we need to continually work to not let it! Think of it this way, when we are actively working on our recovery our disease is hibernating but as soon as we slack off – such as avoid going to meetings for a few weeks or stop watching out for people, places and things that are triggers – our disease starts stirring and keep neglecting your recovery enough and it WILL wake up and when it does, it’s going to be really, really hungry.

Being in recovery is about getting a daily reprieve from our addiction. We need to be on top of it especially during the holidays – which are fast approaching. We need to actively have a program of recovery in place, going to recovery meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, meeting with other alcoholics and addicts and being of service. Having other people around you that can recognize if you are becoming restless, irritable and discontent can save your life.

Its true that as we get more time sober, our lives fill up, we have new friends, new jobs, we spend more time with our loved ones, but just be aware that the idea that we are ‘all better’ after we get a decent amount of clean and sober time is a LIE that our disease tells us. Our disease wants us dead, but it will settle for us being drunk or high.

Casualties of Drug and Alcohol Abuse

I started drinking at age 13 and somehow managed to survive my teens and twenties, finally getting sober in my thirties. Every day, I’m reminded of how lucky I am, usually by a story in a newspaper or a newcomer in a recovery meeting.

No one is immune when it comes to drugs and alcohol,  whether it’s kids whose lives end before they even get a chance to start or teenagers who think binge drinking is ‘normal’. Not to mention the families who are burying their teenagers when they should be sending them off to college or the babies being left alone to fend for themselves while their parents are out drugging.

These are just a few of the stories that I have come across recently in one newspaper. There are thousands of newspapers in the world today and you can be sure that each one of them will run a similar story to the ones mentioned here.

In this story, the parents of the boy who was throwing a party – where a 16 year old teenage  girl drank herself to death – denied supplying alcohol to their son and his friends. Apparently the parents were hosting their own party at the same time, in the same house.

Read the full story here

In another story published the day after the one above, 2000 students take part in an ‘organized’ mass pub crawl.

Click here to read more

Photo was taken just 3 years before her heroin overdose

A 16 year old schoolgirl dies from heroin overdose, despite her mother’s attempts to get help for her daughter, click here

21 year old falls to his death from a  5th floor balcony after an all day  drinking binge Full Story

A 22 year old single mother leaves her four young children including two babies home alone while she went on a 24-hour drink and drugs binge. Click here

A retired policeman drives home drunk and crashes the car,  resulting in the deaths of four people, including his wife, two 10 year old girls (his stepdaughter and her friend) and another family friend who was also in the car. Read the full story

A 14 year old schoolgirl dies after taking a dangerous new drug known as ‘meow meow’. The drug is a mixture of ketamine and plant fertilizer Mephedrone,  and is said to have effects similar to cocaine and ecstasy. Read more

 

 

 

Here is one woman’s experience concerning the loss of her brother:

I don’t have a link to supply you with, but my 30-year-old brother passed out and fell from his 9th story balcony in June of 2006. He had struggled with alcoholism since he was a teenager and, that night, he was having a party to celebrate a promotion that he’d gotten at a new job. He leaned over his balcony, using the railing to push against his stomach, to throw up. Instead of throwing up, he passed out. He died instantly.

I stumbled across this blog via Google. Certainly, convincing people of the dangers of alcohol is an uphill battle. I know this, firsthand. People would rather believe that this kind of thing happens to everyone else. Just like anything, I suppose.

Since my brother’s death, I’ve been looking for ways to reach out to help people like him. He wanted to get sober. He knew it was time. He just never quite made it to his goal. If I could help just one family avoid the wrenching, soul-twisting pain that my family and I have had to endure in the wake of his loss, it would be worth it to me.

I just want to say that when I lost my brother, I was pregnant with my first child. That paradox is indescribable and torturous. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have amnesia surrounding our childhood memories as a result of PTSD. I have flashbacks because of PTSD – vivid ones. And nightmares. I don’t post this for pity or attention, but to point out that choices made because of alcohol addiction profoundly affect everyone around the alcoholic. This is my story. There are thousands more like it.

My brother was a good person. He wasn’t some thoughtless party drone who didn’t care what happened to the people that he loved. He loved me and I, him. He did not want this for me. I know that. But, it can never be taken back. And it happened in an instant. And it was completely preventable.

Alcohol kills.

I’m glad for you that you’ve spared yourself and your family.

There are many more stories that never get told, if you come across one, please post the link in a comment.

The Pros and Cons of Drinking/Using

Years ago when I was unable to admit that I had a substance abuse problem, I needed proof that drinking was making my life unmanageable and I’d be better off without it. I remained in denial and therefore blind to the giant elephant in the room that was crapping all over my life.

I remember someone suggesting that I write a list of the pros and cons of using my drug of choice (alcohol) but obviously it could have been written about other addictive substance such as prescription drugs or cocaine. So I wrote the list, but it was vastly different to the one I’ll write today basically because I was unwilling to see the truth about my disease.  In fact, instead of pros and cons, this new list is about ‘Old Ideas’ and ‘Reality’.  My old ideas kept me out there using for many years, thankfully now I’m able to see the truth:

Drinking gave me confidence… Reality – Booze dissolved any ‘filter’ that I may have had between my mind and my mouth.  I did and said what I wanted without concern for the consequences. I wasn’t confident, I was belligerent.

When I was drunk I felt more attractive… Reality – If puffy eyes, blotchy skin & slurred speech is attractive, I was your girl.

Drinking made me lose my inhibitions… Reality – I had unsafe sex and put myself in dangerous situations, I’m lucky to be alive today, never mind sober.

Booze calmed my nerves… Reality – My nerves were shot from drinking, I had withdrawal symptoms and alcohol stopped the shakes.

A nightcap before bed helped me sleep… Reality – I couldn’t sleep and a bottle of vodka usually did the job.

My friends thought I was the life and soul of the party and I was hilarious when I drank… Reality – Sure, I thought I was hilarious, but most people thought I was a mess, they laughed at me not with me. My friends walked on eggshells, dreading the inevitable scene that I’d make and talked about my drinking problem behind my back.

Alcohol helped me get through the day... Reality - I used alcohol to numb my senses so that I wouldn’t have to deal with life. Alcohol didn’t help me get through the day, it helped me hide from it.

My friends at the bar ‘got me’ ...Reality – My fellow ‘barflies’ didn’t give a shit about me, booze was all we had in common. Put it this way, there’s no way we’d be hanging out together and talking about our troubles over coffee.

Everybody gets drunk... Reality – Some people may over indulge on occasion, but most people don’t make a habit of drinking until they pass out.

I’d lose all my friends if I stop drinking… Reality – My real friends wanted me to stop and get help.

My life would be boring and dull if I didn’t drink… Reality – I didn’t have a life, alcohol was my life.

Sleep and Sobriety

It’s common to have problems sleeping in early recovery and insomnia can cause irritability, lack of concentration,  dizziness and poor judgment, to name but a few.  Any of these symptoms can put us at risk for relapse (and make us a pain in the ass to be around).

That being said, most of us have never given a good night’s sleep a second thought because  as practicing alcoholics and addicts, we were usually either sleep deprived or comatose.  I viewed ’sleep’ as the time when I would inevitably pass out and waking up was merely coming to.  When I got sober, I heard all kinds of advice about looking after myself, physically, mentally and spiritually but this was a whole new concept (I’d been treating my body like a trash can, certainly  not a temple).  Thankfully, I was told to keep it simple and with that in mind here are a few tips that helped me get some drug and alcohol free shut eye:

• Stick to a regular sleep routine. Try to go to bed at the same time every night and set an alarm to wake up at a similar hour each morning.
• Avoid caffeine within 6 hours of going to bed. It might seem like a good idea to have 3 cups of coffee at the 8pm recovery meeting, but you’ll likely pay for it later.
• Don’t drink too much liquid in the evening. Having to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom obviously disturbs sleep but can also leave you unable to nod back off.
• Make your bedroom a sleep sanctuary. Keep your bedroom clean and clutter-less, if your room is free of clutter and mess, your mind will likely follow suit. Keep the temperature cool enough for a blanket and dark enough so that there’s no lights shining through the drapes or blinds. If you can’t fix the curtains try an eye mask.
• Take a relaxing warm bath or shower before bed. The warmth from the water raises the body temperature and when the body cools,  we become sleepy.
• Don’t watch TV in bed. TV can be too stimulating, try reading a book instead or listen to calming audio – ocean waves, rain, whale sounds etc. are much more conducive to sleep than the screaming and drama on Reality TV.
• Exercise. This was a dirty word for me early on (see what I mean here) but the truth is, even a little exercise can help with sleeping and improving our mood in general. It’s better to exercise earlier in the day or at least give yourself 3 hours after exercising before going to bed, as it stimulates adrenalin.
• If you can’t fall asleep after 30 minutes – get up. Most of us have ‘committees’ (constantly running minds) I prefer to call mine ‘hamsters’. When I can’t shut my head up, I get up out of bed and read for a while, or sit quietly and write about the day I’ve had (journals are a great recovery tool).
• Share your bed with your spouse or significant other – no kids, no pets. To minimize the chance of getting a foot in your ribs or a bed hogging hound; keep the kids in their own rooms and pets outside of the bedroom.

It’s a good idea to remember that getting a decent night’s sleep is important for everyone, but to newly sober alcoholics and addicts, it can be the difference between serenity and an unexpected slip.

You Might Need a Meeting if…

Recovery meetings are a big part of staying clean and sober because they get us out of our heads and out into the world and sometimes we just really need to be around people who are as bat-shit crazy as we are.

In case you are wondering what some of the signs might be for getting your ass to a meeting, here’s a few clues (feel free to add any):

• Who knew the laughter of small children could be so irritating?
• The dog’s incessant tail wagging is really pissing you off, why does it have to be so happy ALL the time?
• You think you don’t need a meeting, what you need is an evening in watching TV.
• You find yourself shouting obscenities at the cartoon octopus on TV – the one  on the commercial promoting household air fresheners – it just doesn’t make any sense!
• You tell the Girl Scout Cookie seller to go shove the cookies where the…you get the idea.
• You find the line in the ‘fast food’ restaurant isn’t fast enough and you take it out on the 16 year old serving the fries.
• Taking recovery tips from Lindsay Lohan seems like a good idea.
• When the check-out person at the grocery store tells you to have a nice day, you tell her to go f**k herself.
• Someone cuts you off in traffic and you think it’s a good idea to  follow them to their house.
• It’s been 4 hours and you’re still trying to come up with an interesting enough status for your Facebook page.
• You’ve  listened to The Eagles’ Desperado 10 times today.
• Watching Titanic just doesn’t make you laugh like it used too.
• You’re on Twitter and there’s no time for meetings, you’re too busy twittering and tweaking (I mean tweeting).
• What’s so cute about kittens anyway?

And last, but not least,

• You find yourself writing a blog entry about going to a meeting instead of actually going to a meeting.

Ungrateful Alcoholic

Sometimes I need a really big kick up the ass to remind me of just how lucky I am to be sober. Drunks like me die every day from this disease and by rights, I should be dead. You’d think that would be enough to keep me in an eternal state of gratitude? Yet somehow, I manage to piss and moan about something completely trivial on a daily basis. Even the most obvious ‘grateful’ scenarios, (like a beautiful sunset and the Mediterranean sea), can get spoiled by the addict in me  always wanting more…

I just spent a month with my family in England – something I’ve not been able to do in 19 years. During this time, I was lucky enough to go to the Costa Del Sol in Spain with my sister (who is also sober) and celebrate my sobriety birthday with her.

Now comes the part where I almost mess it all up. I wanted more – I didn’t want to leave! Thank God I have a program of recovery and so does my sister. We were sitting in her kitchen in England, the night before I was due to leave to come back to the USA and both of us were very upset. We were talking about how rotten we felt about the prospect of saying goodbye but somehow we started talking about our recovery programs and amidst all the self-pity, we managed to get our heads out of our asses and realize how lucky we were.

Boo ‘fucking’ hoo, so what! We hate to say goodbye  – at least we got to see each other in the first place AND take a vacation – how many people never see their families or get to go on a vacation? How ungrateful and selfish were we?

Our disease likes us to forget how bad it was and where we came from. Both of us had bottoms where we lost everything, we were hopeless drunks, chronic alcoholics, we lost our families, our homes, we lost touch with each other, yet here we were, clean and sober and moaning! That’s when I really felt immense gratitude for my sobriety, my sister’s sobriety and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous for giving us the tools to recognize our own bullshit.

I cried my eyes out the next day when I left and so did my sister, but having a recovery program allows me to take it one day at a time, and I’m certain we’ll be sitting having a cup of tea again in no time at all (and no doubt finding something to bitch about).