Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down

The book is available on Amazon – check it out here: Don't Let the Bastards Grind You Down: 50 Things Every Alcoholic & Addict in Early Recovery Should Know - By Georgia W.

Drawing on my own experience and that of others in recovery, this book highlights fifty things that all of us should know once we’ve decided to fight our addiction. Some of the topics included are:

The First 30 Days – What to expect and how to get through it.
Things to Avoid – Protecting your recovery and coping with stress.
Dry Drunk – How not to be one.
Relapse –Developing a prevention plan and what to do if it happens.
Spouses & Partners – How to include them and rebuild relationships.
Children – It’s never too late to be a good parent or role model.
Dating in Early Recovery – The not so good, the bad and the ugly.
Twelve Step Programs – How they work and what you should know.
Isolating – Why we do it and why we shouldn’t.
Substituting and Fixing – Things we substitute for our addiction.

Believe it or not, it doesn’t matter how you got to this point in your life – the most important part is that you did. Too many alcoholics and addicts die from this disease before they get a chance to fight it. Just remember that you don’t have to do it alone. There are people who want to help, those who have been to the bottom and back and are now living a life without drugs and alcohol. All you need to have is the willingness to follow some simple suggestions that have worked for many others and can work for you too.

Watch Out For The F**king Monkey!

I met with a friend of mine yesterday for coffee, we were ‘litter mates’ four years ago and our friendship has continued. During the last four years he has stayed sober the whole time, while I on the other hand drank after one year of sobriety and had to start over.

We were talking about how insidious our disease is and how easy the the ‘monkey’ can climb back on without our realizing it. He mentioned a woman in his home group who just celebrated one year clean and sober and she was sharing her story. Prior to her new anniversary, she’d been sober for 2 1/2 years but relapsed. She wasn’t feeling particularly anxious or down and wasn’t thinking about using when she found herself in her bathroom rinsing her mouth out with Listerine mouthwash (for those of you who don’t know, there is a lot of alcohol in mouthwash). Suddenly out of nowhere she decided that instead of spitting out the mouthwash, she’d swallow it – of course, she went on to polish off the whole bottle.

Two and a half years of sobriety gone, in a split second. She went on to say that she couldn’t explain why she did it and that she hadn’t realized she was in trouble.

Unfortunately this story is far from unusual, but having relapsed myself after one year of sobriety, I know there are some tell-tale signs to watch out for:

• Lack of interest in your recovery program; making excuses to miss the meeting or skip an appointment with your sponsor.
• Daydreaming of how it used to be when we could drink or use (it’s normal to think about this once in a while, but not constantly).
• Stop working on the steps, – keep working the step you are on, whether you are on the 4th step or the 12 step. Our recovery needs daily maintenance.
• Feeling over confident – 6 months or a year of sobriety is definitely something to be proud of but it’s extremely important that we do not rest on our laurels, which basically means: thinking that we know all there is to know about staying clean and sober and no further effort is needed. This is a very dangerous place to be, many people relapse after periods of sobriety because they’ve stopped taking their disease seriously and stopped working on their recovery.
• Our disease is always working to get us back out there, so we need to continually work to not let it! Think of it this way, when we are actively working on our recovery our disease is hibernating but as soon as we slack off – such as avoid going to meetings for a few weeks or stop watching out for people, places and things that are triggers – our disease starts stirring and keep neglecting your recovery enough and it WILL wake up and when it does, it’s going to be really, really hungry.

Being in recovery is about getting a daily reprieve from our addiction. We need to be on top of it especially during the holidays which are fast approaching. We need to actively work a program of recovery in place, going to recovery meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, meeting with other alcoholics and addicts and being of service. Having other people around you that can recognize if you are becoming restless, irritable and discontent can save your life.

Its true that as we get more time in recovery, our lives fill up, we have new friends, new jobs, we spend more time with our loved ones but just be aware that the idea that we are ‘all better’ after we get a decent amount of clean and sober time is a LIE that our disease tells us. Our disease wants us dead, but it will settle for us being drunk or high.

After meeting with my friend, I recognized that I have slacked off on my program lately and that another pass through the work (doing the steps again) might be just what I need. I drank after one year sober so I know for a fact that I might have another drunk in me but what I don’t know is if I have another recovery.

Casualties of Drug and Alcohol Abuse

I started drinking at age 13 and somehow managed to survive my teens and twenties, finally getting sober in my thirties. Every day, I’m reminded of how lucky I am, usually by a story in a newspaper or a newcomer in a recovery meeting.

No one is immune when it comes to drugs and alcohol,  whether it’s kids whose lives end before they even get a chance to start or teenagers who think binge drinking is ‘normal’. Not to mention the families who are burying their teenagers when they should be sending them off to college or the babies being left alone to fend for themselves while their parents are out drugging.

These are just a few of the stories that I have come across recently in one newspaper. There are thousands of newspapers in the world today and you can be sure that each one of them will run a similar story to the ones mentioned here.

In this story, the parents of the boy who was throwing a party – where a 16 year old teenage  girl drank herself to death – denied supplying alcohol to their son and his friends. Apparently the parents were hosting their own party at the same time, in the same house.

Read the full story here

In another story published the day after the one above, 2000 students take part in an ‘organized’ mass pub crawl.

Click here to read more

Photo was taken just 3 years before her heroin overdose

A 16 year old schoolgirl dies from heroin overdose, despite her mother’s attempts to get help for her daughter, click here

21 year old falls to his death from a  5th floor balcony after an all day  drinking binge Full Story

A 22 year old single mother leaves her four young children including two babies home alone while she went on a 24-hour drink and drugs binge. Click here

A retired policeman drives home drunk and crashes the car,  resulting in the deaths of four people, including his wife, two 10 year old girls (his stepdaughter and her friend) and another family friend who was also in the car. Read the full story

There are many more stories that never get told, if you come across one, please post the link in a comment.

The Pros and Cons of Drinking

Years ago when I was unable to admit that I had a drinking problem, I needed proof that drinking was making my life unmanageable and I’d be better off without it. I remained in denial and therefore blind to the giant elephant in the room that was crapping all over my life.

I remember someone suggesting that I write a list of the pros and cons of drinking. I wrote the list, but it was vastly different to the one I’ll write today basically because I was unwilling to see the truth about my disease.  In fact, instead of pros and cons, this new list is about ‘Old Ideas’ and ‘Reality’.  My old ideas kept me out there drinking for many years, thankfully now I’m able to see the truth:

Drinking gave me confidence… Reality – Booze dissolved any ‘filter’ that I may have had between my mind and my mouth.  I did and said what I wanted without concern for the consequences. I wasn’t confident, I was belligerent.

When I was drunk I felt more attractive… Reality – If puffy eyes, blotchy skin & slurred speech is attractive, I was your girl.

Drinking made me lose my inhibitions… Reality – I had unsafe sex and put myself in dangerous situations, I’m lucky to be alive today, never mind sober.

Booze calmed my nerves… Reality – My nerves were shot from drinking, I had withdrawal symptoms and alcohol stopped the shakes.

A nightcap before bed helped me sleep… Reality – I couldn’t sleep and a bottle of vodka usually did the job.

My friends thought I was the life and soul of the party and I was hilarious when I drank… Reality – Sure, I thought I was hilarious, but most people thought I was a mess, they laughed at me not with me. My friends walked on eggshells, dreading the inevitable scene that I’d make and talked about my drinking problem behind my back.

Alcohol helped me get through the day... Reality - I used alcohol to numb my senses so that I wouldn’t have to deal with life. Alcohol didn’t help me get through the day, it helped me hide from it.

My friends at the bar ‘got me’ ...Reality – My fellow ‘barflies’ didn’t give a shit about me, booze was all we had in common. Put it this way, there’s no way we’d be hanging out together and talking about our troubles over coffee.

Everybody gets drunk... Reality – Some people may over indulge on occasion, but most people don’t make a habit of drinking until they pass out.

I’d lose all my friends if I stop drinking… Reality – My real friends wanted me to stop and get help.

My life would be boring and dull if I didn’t drink… Reality – I didn’t have a life, alcohol was my life.

Sleep and Sobriety

It’s common to have problems sleeping in early recovery and insomnia can cause irritability, lack of concentration,  dizziness and poor judgment, to name but a few.  Any of these symptoms can put us at risk for relapse (and make us a pain in the ass to be around).

That being said, most of us have never given a good night’s sleep a second thought because  as practicing alcoholics and addicts, we were usually either sleep deprived or comatose.  I viewed ’sleep’ as the time when I would inevitably pass out and waking up was merely coming to.  When I got sober, I heard all kinds of advice about looking after myself, physically, mentally and spiritually but this was a whole new concept (I’d been treating my body like a trash can, certainly  not a temple).  Thankfully, I was told to keep it simple and with that in mind here are a few tips that helped me get some drug and alcohol free shut eye:

• Stick to a regular sleep routine. Try to go to bed at the same time every night and set an alarm to wake up at a similar hour each morning.
• Avoid caffeine within 6 hours of going to bed. It might seem like a good idea to have 3 cups of coffee at the 8pm recovery meeting, but you’ll likely pay for it later.
• Don’t drink too much liquid in the evening. Having to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom obviously disturbs sleep but can also leave you unable to nod back off.
• Make your bedroom a sleep sanctuary. Keep your bedroom clean and clutter-less, if your room is free of clutter and mess, your mind will likely follow suit. Keep the temperature cool enough for a blanket and dark enough so that there’s no lights shining through the drapes or blinds. If you can’t fix the curtains try an eye mask.
• Take a relaxing warm bath or shower before bed. The warmth from the water raises the body temperature and when the body cools,  we become sleepy.
• Don’t watch TV in bed. TV can be too stimulating, try reading a book instead or listen to calming audio – ocean waves, rain, whale sounds etc. are much more conducive to sleep than the screaming and drama on Reality TV.
• Exercise. This was a dirty word for me early on (see what I mean here) but the truth is, even a little exercise can help with sleeping and improving our mood in general. It’s better to exercise earlier in the day or at least give yourself 3 hours after exercising before going to bed, as it stimulates adrenalin.
• If you can’t fall asleep after 30 minutes – get up. Most of us have ‘committees’ (constantly running minds) I prefer to call mine ‘hamsters’. When I can’t shut my head up, I get up out of bed and read for a while, or sit quietly and write about the day I’ve had (journals are a great recovery tool).
• Share your bed with your spouse or significant other – no kids, no pets. To minimize the chance of getting a foot in your ribs or a bed hogging hound; keep the kids in their own rooms and pets outside of the bedroom.

It’s a good idea to remember that getting a decent night’s sleep is important for everyone, but to newly sober alcoholics and addicts, it can be the difference between serenity and an unexpected slip.

You Might Need a Meeting if…

Recovery meetings are a big part of staying clean and sober because they get us out of our heads and out into the world and sometimes we just really need to be around people who are as bat-shit crazy as we are.

In case you are wondering what some of the signs might be for getting your ass to a meeting, here’s a few clues (feel free to add any):

• Who knew the laughter of small children could be so irritating?
• The dog’s incessant tail wagging is really pissing you off, why does it have to be so happy ALL the time?
• You think you don’t need a meeting, what you need is an evening in watching TV.
• You find yourself shouting obscenities at the cartoon octopus on TV – the one  on the commercial promoting household air fresheners – it just doesn’t make any sense!
• You tell the Girl Scout Cookie seller to go shove the cookies where the…you get the idea.
• You find the line in the ‘fast food’ restaurant isn’t fast enough and you take it out on the 16 year old serving the fries.
• Taking recovery tips from Lindsay Lohan seems like a good idea.
• When the check-out person at the grocery store tells you to have a nice day, you tell her to go f**k herself.
• Someone cuts you off in traffic and you think it’s a good idea to  follow them to their house.
• It’s been 4 hours and you’re still trying to come up with an interesting enough status for your Facebook page.
• You’ve  listened to The Eagles’ Desperado 10 times today.
• Watching Titanic just doesn’t make you laugh like it used too.
• You’re on Twitter and there’s no time for meetings, you’re too busy twittering and tweaking (I mean tweeting).
• What’s so cute about kittens anyway?

And last, but not least,

• You find yourself writing a blog entry about going to a meeting instead of actually going to a meeting.

Ungrateful Alcoholic

Sometimes I need a really big kick up the ass to remind me of just how lucky I am to be sober. Drunks like me die every day from this disease and by rights, I should be dead. You’d think that would be enough to keep me in an eternal state of gratitude? Yet somehow, I manage to piss and moan about something completely trivial on a daily basis. Even the most obvious ‘grateful’ scenarios, (like a beautiful sunset and the Mediterranean sea), can get spoiled by the addict in me  always wanting more…

I just spent a month with my family in England – something I’ve not been able to do in 19 years. During this time, I was lucky enough to go to the Costa Del Sol in Spain with my sister (who is also sober) and celebrate my sobriety birthday with her.

Now comes the part where I almost mess it all up. I wanted more – I didn’t want to leave! Thank God I have a program of recovery and so does my sister. We were sitting in her kitchen in England, the night before I was due to leave to come back to the USA and both of us were very upset. We were talking about how rotten we felt about the prospect of saying goodbye but somehow we started talking about our recovery programs and amidst all the self-pity, we managed to get our heads out of our asses and realize how lucky we were.

Boo ‘fucking’ hoo, so what! We hate to say goodbye  – at least we got to see each other in the first place AND take a vacation – how many people never see their families or get to go on a vacation? How ungrateful and selfish were we?

Our disease likes us to forget how bad it was and where we came from. Both of us had bottoms where we lost everything, we were hopeless drunks, chronic alcoholics, we lost our families, our homes, we lost touch with each other, yet here we were, clean and sober and moaning! That’s when I really felt immense gratitude for my sobriety, my sister’s sobriety and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous for giving us the tools to recognize our own bullshit.

I cried my eyes out the next day when I left and so did my sister, but having a recovery program allows me to take it one day at a time, and I’m certain we’ll be sitting having a cup of tea again in no time at all (and no doubt finding something to bitch about).

What Parents and Students Need to Know About College Drinking

Partying in college is seen by many as a right of passage, a celebration of independence and a whole lot of fun. While this is true for most students, tragically for 1,400 college students per year, drinking alcohol will result in death.

According to the website, College Drinking Prevention these 14oo deaths are ultimately linked to alcohol. This site has a lot of information and facts for both parents and students, such as:

• Symptoms of Alcoholic Poisoning – Don’t think they’ll just sleep it off. Be prepared and know what to do if one of your friends or a fellow party-goer is showing the signs of alcohol poisoning.
• Talk to your child about alcohol – Avoiding that awkward conversation could result in every parent’s nightmare. Arm your kids with facts so they can be better prepared and always let them know that nothing is too bad that they can’t talk to you about it.
• FAQs on Alcohol abuse and Alcoholism

Some Days Just Suck

Today isn’t going that great but at least I know that it could be worse, I could be drinking. I had to do something pretty scary this morning which involved facing an authority figure plus everyday ’stuff’ has just been mounting up, I’ve got a constantly whirring mind, a knot in my stomach and I haven’t slept properly for weeks.

A few years ago, contemplating these things would have set me off on a colossal bender. Today things are a bit different, I have a program of recovery and tools that I use when I feel like I’m losing grip on reality.

It might take an hour or even a day of living inside my own head in complete terror before I pick up the tools – but I usually do. Of course I need a reminder sometimes of what those tools are, especially when I just can’t seem to get out of my own way.

If you are new in recovery and find yourself in a funk or are facing something that has got you jacked up, here’s a few things that were recommended to me:

• Go to a recovery meeting and share about what is going on in your head – just being able to verbalize the ‘chatter’ in our minds can be a huge relief.
• Talk to another newcomer at a meeting, the best way to get out of self is to help another alcoholic or addict, and helping sometimes can be as simple as listening.
• Call your sponsor. (If you don’t have one, go to a meeting and share to the group that you need one).
• Turn it over. Think about the problem/feeling/situation in your mind and mentally turn it over to your Higher Power. When I’m in a place where I’m looking for a specific outcome or I want someone to do what I want, I find it helps to let go of self-will by saying “Let your will be done not mine” or when I’m feeling particularly impatient, ‘In God’s time – not my time’.
• Work the Step you are on. If you are working the 12 Steps, do some work or thought about the Step you are on at the moment. You could also write in a journal if you have one.
• Go for a walk or get some exercise.
• Get out of your head, watch a movie or go to the book store.
• Keep your side of the street clean. Be honest. It’s easy to tell that white lie or mistruth so that we look good or we’ll get our own way, but the cornerstone of sobriety is the willingness to be honest in every area of our lives. It’s not easy, I was so used to being manipulative, selfish and dishonest that sometimes I’d catch myself lying without realizing I was even doing it and I’d have to stop and say ‘wait a minute, that’s bullshit, this is what is really going on’.
• Progress not perfection. In early sobriety, sometimes progress meant actually getting out of bed instead of hiding from the world under the covers. Sometimes getting out of bed is all we can do, just don’t beat yourself up over it.
• Gratitude for what we’ve got. In the grand scheme of things, everyone has problems, whether it’s money, relationships, health or job problems, it’s how we deal with them that matters. Being thankful for the things we have and not worrying about the things we don’t have or want. When I’m in self-pity, I write down 5 things I’m grateful for, even on the worst of days I can come up with that.

Just remember that no matter what, you don’t have to pick up a drink or drug today – we have alternatives. We have tools to deal with it, move on and get up tomorrow with a clear head, knowing we faced our demons and did the best we could and we did it clean and sober.

Teens and Underage Drinking

I grew up in an alcoholic home in England (where the legal drinking age is 18). Booze didn’t last very long in our house, because it got drank as soon as it crossed the threshold. My parents did a lot of their drinking outside the home at the pub but often brought people back to the house to continue the party. I remember one time I was 15 (I’d already had my first drink at age 13) and my parents were downstairs partying on a Sunday afternoon. People kept coming into my room and asking why I wouldn’t come downstairs and join the party. Did I mention I was 15? 

It doesn’t help teenagers when they grow up in an environment where they routinely see their parents drunk, it sets an example of this is acceptable, this is what people do. It only makes matters worse when they encourage their kids to drink with them. Then there’s the parent who say they’d rather the kids do it around them because they are going to do it anyway. Some parents even buy booze for their underage kids and their friends and host underage drinking parties in their houses. I’m all for educating kids about alcohol, but I’m not for the attitude of some parents (some of which I know personally) who think it’s ok if their kids drink with them or hang out in the local pub at age 16, because, apparently they are going to do it anyway, and in the words of one parent of a 16 year old girl I know, “I may as well drop her off at the pub so I at least know where she is.”  Not only is this parent knowingly letting his kid break the law, he’s helping her to do it and putting her in a potentially dangerous situation.

I have a 9 year old son and I’ve already started talking to him about alcohol and why I don’t drink it and the fact that just because I don’t drink doesn’t mean everyone shouldn’t drink. I’ve already let him know that if he has any questions at all about drugs and alcohol, however stupid he might think the question is, I’m available to talk to. Hopefully, once he gets to the age where all his friends are doing it – he will be armed with the facts about alcohol and alcoholism, as well as his family history of abusing it.

I’m not kidding myself though, I’m pretty sure he will drink before he reaches the legal age, but one thing I do know is that I will not encourage him by dropping him off at a bar or a friend’s house where booze is being served to underage kids. I’m not going to adopt the attitude that at least I’ll know where he is and he’s going to do it anyway.  I think the easier we make it for them to drink underage the more likely they’ll do it and while I can’t stop him from drinking when he gets to the legal age, I’m not going to condone it or encourage it before then. 

For more on teen drinking, click here

It’s like trying to herd cats

I saw this story in the UK’s paper, the Daily Mail. It made me remember back to trying to control my drinking and how unsuccessful that was, except this goes about a thousand steps further and talks about controlling a Nation’s drinking. 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1186986/Now-drinkers-wait-post-office-style-queues-local-pub.html