hamster1Yesterday and today were two of the most stressful, awful days I’ve had in a very long time. My head felt like it was going to explode, my ‘hamsters’ (aka my constantly running mind and irrational thoughts) were going nuts. All last night they were scurrying around in their little wheel in my head, coming up with scenarios to this particular situation that has been transpiring in the last 48 hours.

I had to deal with a family issue that  brought up a lot of bad memories from my drinking days and how it was when I inevitably screwed up. Thankfully, this time I was not the source of the ‘witch hunt’ but I couldn’t help feeling like I was on trial too.  I was being interviewed by a person in authority and I felt as though my neck was on the chopping block. It’s amazing how easily I can be transported back to that place. The place I am referring to is that gut wrenching incomprehensible feeling of doom. I was right there again and all I could do was to try to keep my head in the moment and remember that I’m not running the show. If I’m not running the show then I’m not trying to get my way or bend other people to my will. I said the Serenity prayer over and over in my head on the way to this Hearing…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can. It never ceases to amaze me how those simple words help to calm myself down and let go of the fear.

Again, I’m being shown how my sobriety is truly a gift and because of  it I am a different person than I was when I was drinking. That person wouldn’t have shown up to this hearing at all because the whole situation would have been too much to face. Instead, I’d surely be drunk, trying in vain to drink away the fear. Today, I not only showed up for another person who needed my support but I was  able to be strong and present despite being terrified!  I kept telling myself, no matter what happens, I don’t have to pick up a drink today and as yet I haven’t. Yep, I’m sticking it to the hamsters, one day at a time.

  1. Eddie p says:

    I really enjoy this post. I just returned to my business and only have 4 1/2 months sober. Sometimes I literally get in a manic state trying to repair all the screwups of my past. It’s hard for me to truly believe that god has my back but I have no other choice . I know left to my own devices you might as well dig me a hole. Everyday I have a little more faith that some kind of power is helping me . The serenity prayer is a lifesaver for me as well . I just have to keep my head up and keep trudging. Eddie p

    • Georgia W. says:

      Hi Eddie,
      Thank you for sharing this and I apologize for not replying sooner. I’m out of the country at the moment and have not accessed my blog for a while.
      Dealing with our past is difficult but a necessary part of recovery, I love the saying, “look back – but don’t stare”. When my hamsters are back on the wheel, I try to keep my head in today and try to remember that I can’t fix everything all at once as it can very quickly become overwhelming. Another good saying I heard recently in a meeting was from a guy who said that his Higher Power hadn’t saved him from the sharks to beat the shit out of him on the beach.

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