authentic-drama-queenMy Sponsee has gone off the radar, I’ve not heard from her in 2 weeks. She was working on the 4th Step – although ‘working’ might not be the right word, I think balking might be more fitting. I’ve tried to call her, but she’s not returning my calls.

It’s not the first time a person has gone MIA while on the 4th Step and it certainly won’t be the last. When I was new in recovery, I heard from other people that so many of us fall off the wagon when we do the 4th Step, “Oh it’s so terrible, really intense, it brings up all these bad feelings”. Well, that’s all my inner drama queen needed to hear and I started to see a way out – if the 4th Step was so bad and all these people drink because of it, then it won’t be such a surprise when I drink – I mean, no one could blame me right?

Armed with this positive attitude, I started writing my first inventory and after a couple of weeks of doodling broken hearts and dead flowers, I came to the conclusion that it was way too much hard work and I didn’t need to do it. Thinking about all this stuff from my past made me want to drink (just like all those people said it would – hee hee). I’d put the 4th Step down, keep going to meetings and I’d be okay.

Needless to say, listening to my own advice (or the advice of my disease)  wasn’t the best thing I could have done at that time and a month or so later, I’d completely lost the plot, the animals were running the zoo and I was well and truly ‘barking’- enough so that I picked up a drink.

It was back to the drawing board and the realization that I would do ANYTHING not to drink again – including the dreaded 4th Step. That’s when I picked up a pen and truly wrote. I made a commitment to write once a day, even if it was for only 15 minutes. What usually happened, was when I got going, I forgot about the time and before I knew it, I was getting through it. The best part was that once I stopped making excuses and actually got down to work, I could no longer hear my disease, telling me that I didn’t need this shit, I was on a mission.

My Sponsor and other people had told me how it was for them when they were done with writing their 4th Step, but I didn’t realize what a feeling of accomplishment it would be. That feeling paled in comparison to the utter freedom I felt after I read the inventory to my Sponsor. If you are like I was and are feeling like the 4th Step is not worth it or it’s too much hard work, my experience taught me that it really was worth everything and more than I ever thought it would be (although as you can see from this last sentence, I still have some residual drama queen in me). 

 

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