It turns out that alcohol isn’t the only thing I’m addicted to – unfortunately drama comes in a close second. Of course, back when I was ‘in’ my disease, I didn’t know this, but as I got more time in recovery, I found out that the drama I created around my drinking was just as much a part of the package as the booze itself. As I got sober and the hangovers disappeared, so did the drama and weird as it was, I found myself missing it. I didn’t actually sit down and say, “Shit, you know what? I really miss the drama”, the feeling would be more subtle and one of the most common ways it would manifest, was when I felt bored.

I thought I was bored because I wasn’t having the ‘fun’ I had when I was drinking. Although I conveniently forgot that the good time I was missing was not a night out bar hopping with a group of friends -no my ‘fun’ consisted of me alone in my apartment with a pint of cheap vodka and a pack of smokes. Yet, my disease told me that I was bored because I missed the excitement/peacefulness/frenzy (you name it) that the drinking brought on, but when I think about it, the actual drinking part left me feeling empty and dead inside, what I was ‘missing’ was the thrill of the chase and the drama of the clean up.

When I was actively drinking, I was always trying to fix some situation I found myself in or lie, cheat and manipulate my way back into people’s good graces, whether it was my husband, my family or my employer. Now that the drink was gone, I didn’t have to do these things and I was at a loss. Things were actually going smoothly; I had a good job that I was never late to, sober friends and a great relationship with my son. Yet I found myself feeling ‘bored’. When I talked this through with my sponsor, that’s when she helped me see the connection between my addiction to alcohol and the drama that came with it. I came to understand that I wasn’t used to feeling at ease and calm – if there wasn’t a landlord to avoid or a lie to be told, I felt out of sorts.

If you find yourself feeling this way, just remember that as well as the withdrawal from our drug of choice, we are experiencing withdrawal from the only life we have known – whether it was a fucked up life or not – we are grieving the loss of it. Recognize that you will feel this way, we all do in the beginning, but it will pass and we can get on with our lives – without the drama (well, maybe just a teensy bit of drama, it is the Holiday Season after all).

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